This is probably one of the most enjoyable articles I would have written. Well like I promised earlier, I come to you with The Balrog's Exclusive 10 ways to dump someone. However, I have to give a brief introduction on how things will work here. First of all, all these tips are from stories I have heard, and mostly based on very logical steps. For these 10 ways to work for you, you need to be confident, and you seriously should know how to act and lie. Also, this is not the type of article for the person who just has to tell the truth. Furthermore, please, don't attempt any of these through texts, because that = EPIC FAIL! So, ready to dump that person who you thought at first was awesome, and then faded to a singing chipmunk? Here goes.
#1: The Exam Lie
For this one to work, you have to be somebody who is currently studying. Well, you should be studying something, because exams are going to be what you are going to use to dump the person. First of all, MAKE SURE you don't like the person anymore, and you seriously need to dump her/him. Now, take things a bit slowly, and approach the person. Talk to her (Lemme make the person a her from now on, easier for me :P ) about these imaginary problems you are having with approaching exams. Throw in a couple of bombs from your life, or something you picked out from tv apart from the exams which is making your life a living hell.
Now, once you are sure that the target knows of your problems enough, after days of talking about it, it is time to throw in the fatality! Approach her, and tell her, that you need a "BREAK" from relationships, until you fix your current "problems". "Are you breaking up with me" is the expected question, with an 80% chance of occurring. Say "yes" with this suicidal look, and make the person feel sympathy for you. Well if this all turns out good, finish off with a hug and say that you will contact her when you're done solving your problems. Otherwise, well, take in a lot of yelling, but don't say anything. If you do and argue back, you are actually blowing your cover, and your sympathy card will go to ruins. Now, once you are done with that, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye! Mission Successful!
Now, once you are sure that the target knows of your problems enough, after days of talking about it, it is time to throw in the fatality! Approach her, and tell her, that you need a "BREAK" from relationships, until you fix your current "problems". "Are you breaking up with me" is the expected question, with an 80% chance of occurring. Say "yes" with this suicidal look, and make the person feel sympathy for you. Well if this all turns out good, finish off with a hug and say that you will contact her when you're done solving your problems. Otherwise, well, take in a lot of yelling, but don't say anything. If you do and argue back, you are actually blowing your cover, and your sympathy card will go to ruins. Now, once you are done with that, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye! Mission Successful!
#2: Kill a family member
Remember the acting and lying skills I said you would need. Well, this one requires it, big time, and that's because you are going to kill of a family member. Well, not kill, but "kill" as in, the person dies. Well, atleast that's what you are going to tell her ;D So first of all, if you think you are going to break up, tell the person on this random day in this random convo that a close family member of yours, is suffering from a "terminal" disease. Be all sad, talk about how close you were and your childhood. A lot of people love hearing about childhood, and by talking about it, you are playing the person right into your masterpiece break up!
Make sure, she doesn't forget this family member. She SHOULD remember! Well then, time to get to the harder part. Now, meet up one day, and tell her that, well, you are getting depressed. The reason? The family member is in the "final stages" of the "disease". Make sure she feels all "aww" for you, and then on one rainy night, send a text, saying, "He/she passed away. I am going to be busy for a while." The plan is in action ladies and gentlemen, be sure you don't screw up! Now, don't contact her for say, 3 or 4 days. Then, contact her. Be warned that there will be some tension now, with all those not replying or not picking up statements. Well, tell her you are breaking up, because "you think you are not ready to be in a devoted relationship right NOW". That NOW refers to the death in your family. Well, how she will handle it, is none of my business, but then again, don't blow your story! Mission Successful!
Make sure, she doesn't forget this family member. She SHOULD remember! Well then, time to get to the harder part. Now, meet up one day, and tell her that, well, you are getting depressed. The reason? The family member is in the "final stages" of the "disease". Make sure she feels all "aww" for you, and then on one rainy night, send a text, saying, "He/she passed away. I am going to be busy for a while." The plan is in action ladies and gentlemen, be sure you don't screw up! Now, don't contact her for say, 3 or 4 days. Then, contact her. Be warned that there will be some tension now, with all those not replying or not picking up statements. Well, tell her you are breaking up, because "you think you are not ready to be in a devoted relationship right NOW". That NOW refers to the death in your family. Well, how she will handle it, is none of my business, but then again, don't blow your story! Mission Successful!
#3: I hate serious relationships!
No you don't! You just don't like the person who's in front of you right now. And you just need to find somebody else. Why can't she see this ain't working out? Ok, no worries. Here's what you do. Get into this loooong conversation about where she thinks you guys "stand". Make sure that, despite her being all positive, you are being a bit more "realistic" or negative. However, show this only through facial expressions or by using body language. Smile a lot.....awkwardly! And then, finally, one day, tell her that you are not the type of person into serious relationships. Or, just say you don't like commitment or something, you get the picture right? Now, notice the expression on that person's face. Take notes from that. If you think this is the right moment, go for it, and break up. However, if you think she wants to "talk more" and make things better, just wait. Do it maybe 2 days later, saying you seriously can't handle any of it. Now there is a very good breakup! Well done soldier!
#4: The Trip to Yemen (Friends Reference)
Remember the episode in Friends where, Chandler needs to break-up with Janice, and so tells her that he is moving to Yemen forever? Well, this method, is very much based on this, however, a bit modified to suit your needs since you most likely ain't working in a corporate environment suited to find alternatives to oil...right? So, on one dark and gloomy night, call up your girlfriend, whom you just CAN'T stand now! Tell her, that unfortunately, you have to go on this "trip" to -insert country here- for either one of these reasons. 1: Education. 2: Health Care. 3: Parent's changing jobs. 4: Family wants a new scene. Once you are done with that, expect this question. "WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK?". For the love of god, tell her an amount of more than a year or most likely the "I am going there forever" bit. Now, expect the depression from the break up to hit you like a comet. Share a hug, talk about "things will be alright, you will find somebody else" part. Make sure that you seem like the good guy/girl. Make sure you are THE friend to turn to, despite your unfortunate trip to the next galaxy. One big mistake people make in this is, that they wait another couple of days for the real break-up to happen, where you say the "This is over" part. You HAVE to do it on the same day. Do NOT wait, or otherwise, you are screwing this up, big time. Well, for the ones who did this successfully, well done. Mission Successful!
#5: It's not you, it's me!
Contrary to popular belief, this method actually works! However, it doesn't work for a number of reasons, usually in the way you present the whole story of how its not her, but you. This is an easy method, as well a very complicated one, because this one depends on your build-up as well. Now, tell her that this whole thing is not working out for you. Bring on the bits you would say in a typical "it's not you, it's me" type of break-up. Now this is the important part. Your girlfriend will immediately recognize that it is in fact HER that is the problem. Now comes an offering to change. This is almost like getting close to a check-mate on you. Most people would blow this at that very moment, but remember that this is a break-up and not a calling for a change, because this person is NOT "THE PERSON" you want to be with, preferably for the whole of your life. Tell the person, that it's not a good idea that they are together anymore, and that "moving on" is part of the process. Add in the "There is no need for you to change because there will be a lot of people out there who will like you for who you are" bit, which is essential in this sort of break-up. Similar to the other methods, expect depression and if things go well, share a hug and please, hurry back home! Do NOT pick up any calls from her during your way back, and once you are finally there, get your mind off the whole thing. You will be juuuust fine! Well done soldier! You are half-way there!
Well, that's it for part one. I did not want to make it into just one part because otherwise, this will turn out to be just too long. There are two more parts remaining, with the next part explaining the next 5 methods, and the other explaining the essentials before you break-up with a person.
Remember, relationships are good. However, these tips are only for the people who think they did not end up with the right person, and is desperate to get away. Until next time :P -The Balrog-
Well, that's it for part one. I did not want to make it into just one part because otherwise, this will turn out to be just too long. There are two more parts remaining, with the next part explaining the next 5 methods, and the other explaining the essentials before you break-up with a person.
Remember, relationships are good. However, these tips are only for the people who think they did not end up with the right person, and is desperate to get away. Until next time :P -The Balrog-
3 Comment using IntenseDebate:
HAHAHAH!! this is funny. from a girl's point of view i would say yes.. number 1 and 3 works! lol. but number 5 is JUST CRUEL! seriously.. faking the DEATH of a close family member is too much! >.< ! how is one supposed to pull that off??!
This is actually surprising well thought out...but the trip to Yemen thing is kinda hard to pull off don't you think?? especially if you live in a place like male' where everyone knows everyone else... actually i think it would be impossible because sooner or later you are bound to run into that person or a relative of that person or even a friend and then your cover would be blown to hell.. And is it really necessary to go to such lengths to get out of a relationship? whatever happened to telling the truth and actually being honest with the person when you're breaking up? wouldn't it ultimately be the most painless route down the road? but on the plus side i think one and five actually work and they aren't that difficult to pull off.But overall i love this post :)
lol glad u liked it. Well, that's why I said in the start that this is only for those, who would rather lie ;D
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